MASHing my way into the future

I remember back in middle school (which was about, say, twenty years ago), I used to play this game called MASH with friends to pass the time. MASH stood for “Mansion, Apartment, Shack, and House,” which was the first set of choices that would inevitably predict your future living arrangement based on a “roll” or in some cases, a blindly-drawn squiggly. Other classic options include a spouse, car, and job – each with two ‘good’ options and two ‘bad’ options (or three really good options, and one just horrifying one). Depending on who you played with, you may also need to roll for your number of kids, wedding dress color (for the girls), annual income, internet connection speed, TV size, and number of times you will get called by a telemarketer during dinner.

Fortunately, I’m one for the basics, so here goes!

My magic predictive number is 34:

Living Arrangement:
(M)ansion – Malibu: You have neighbors, but they’re too far away to visit
(A)partment – The neighbors downstairs have your phone number
(S)hack – Cardboard Box: The upside is you get lots of pets
(H)ouse – Suburbia: You are special, just like everyone else

Spouse:
Giada de Laurentiis – If I was a girl, I’d still date her
Adriana Lima – No comment necessary
Hillary Clinton – I think I’ll sleep in the other room
Rosie O’Donnell – …and I’m bringing earmuffs.

Transportation:
2009 Nissan GT-R – The only way to spend $70,000 and still be labeled a little ricer boy
2003 BMW Z8 – Class, style, and superior handling without the rich-kid image
2010 Toyota Prius – Estimated to be bigger, faster, more maneuverable, and hit 100+ mpg
2001 Pontiac Aztec – I’d rather be killed by one knowing it’ll never drive again than killed driving one

Occupation:
Venture Capitalist – Throw money at things, and then run away quickly before anyone sees
Starbucks Barista – Oh, I thought you said Decaf.
Specialty Nacho Shop Owner – This is actually a ‘good’ outcome, believe it or not
Paper Company Director - Little do they know, I’m saving New York from certain destruction

So, things worked out pretty horribly. Hillary Clinton and I will attempt to conquer the known world from the comfort of our cardboard box, but that’s only because I spent my pitiful barista tip money on a BMW Z8, which I have parked in the alleyway. It is now filled with rapidly-procreating cats who are scratching away at the italian, nappa leather upholstery and building small nests out of the leftover “Hillary for President” pamphlets I have in a box in the back seat. Unfortunately, my wife keeps demanding that everyone deserves a free coffee even if they can’t pay and has sold my car to finance her initiatives. Funny how that works. Stupid MASH.

~ by bioscigrad on May 10, 2008.